Ok, yeah, fine. One glass beyond the first bottle = me so beyond drunk.

Pee. Sleep.

Done.

g'night loved ones.

It's interesting isn't it? I'm this far drunk, yet I can still click on a mouse and go to the "Post an Entry" page with little to no impediment?

I can feel myself having moments of perfect clarity.. I understand that between the moments of perfect clarity are moments of muddled confusion.

I can see that beteen these moments I have no concsicence knowledge of what is really occuring. I can see that I'm skipping moments of time because of my druncken addledness.

Yet somehow I am albe to operate a mouse and a keyboard with reasonable accuacy.

Ok, for some moments there, I clsed an eye to operate the mouse, but not all of them.

It was a Lindermans, not a Taylors. Sorry ;) 2009 Reisling.

Now I'm on a 2008 Queen Adelaide.

And Cath. Seriously? I mean SERIOUSLY !? Wow. Poor girl. Hopefully that weird-ass illusion has been shattered! :)

Ok, yes. I'm drunk again. Yes, it's a whole bottle of wine again. Yes, I'm posting in LJ again so my sister doesn't see.

Yes, I'm thinking of opening the second bottle, and it's only 8:30.

So, once again, it's a Sunday, and it's night.

I'm once again, drinking, and not really looking at what I'm typing.

Is it really so sad that I can type this fast without even looking at the keyboard? Well, yes, but then again I did wish to become a secretary when I was in high school, and was sorely miffed when stenography was revoked as a possible class. Let's hear it for Year 9 class selection again!

So, yes. A 2009 Reisling from Taylors wine yard. Went down far too easily.

You know, I am lonely. I look around at the people at work and feel, well, love towards them. Some of them I really shouldn't (sorry, Zoe, but hey! you're cute!) and I truely am amazed that I've not had any sexual harrasment complaints yet, but still. What am I doing with myself?

Really? I don't go out, I hermit myself inside my house, I rarely do anythign social, I just withdraw into myself and hide from the world.

(let's hear it for drunking confessions!)

Do I care? Well, not really, but yes. I care because I am alone. I don't have anyone to hug, to share my miserable day with, to pretend that the world is rosy and beautiful. I don't miss th eaccusation, the deceit, the lies.

I guess that just goes to show you how bad some of the relaionships I've had are. Yes, most of the relationships I've been in are premised on some form of lie. Whether they be my lie or my partners lie. For one relationshp, it was my lie, true and simple. I just didn't want to be lonely. That turned out bad. Lets hear it for a womens right to choose. My second (possible) relationship wasn't my lie. It was hers. That ended badly as well, with someone deciding to contune with a bad premise and try to get something that only one of us wanted in a long term.

The third was my lie, to myself. That didn't end so bad, mostly with the simple realization that I was lieing to myself and my 'partner' didn't feel anything towards me.

The last and most recent was her lie. I'm still bitter about that one, and I don't think that I'm about to change my perception of that one for some time yet.

But now, now it's my acceptance of loss and loneliness. I don't take change well. Heh, anybody who's lived within proximity of me knows that one very clearly. i don't fight, I don't change, I just continue on with what I was doing to begin with. Like a steam roller, forever going in the one direction, ignoring most of which was in my path.

My last relationship, I tried, ever so hard, to change that direction, to open up and to share that locked vault that some call my heart. It seems that it wasn't enough. The relationship before that, I shared my heart, it was squished. Not her fault there, but still hurtfull, possibly which made the following relationship that much arder.

But now? Seriously (ok, Greys Anatomy series taking control there), what the hell else am I supposed to be doing with myself there? I'm nowhere near strong enough emotionally to go find some random stranger and see if they are willing to 'settle' with me to continue some random unknown relationship forward. I don't know what I want. Ok, so I kind of do ("Someone to be a companion, to be there when needed, to be there when they need someone"), but who the hell in this day and age want's that kind of relationship. Everyone want's to be swept off their feet, to be romanced, to be shown that the world is un-livable without them (bullshit, sorry, even though I am a romantic at heart, I just don't believe that).

How do people find a relationshpi these days without going to some random bar or club? Work? Sure, there's two there that I have a mild physical interest in. One definately has a boyfriend of which I'm not about to intrude upon. The other? No, not really within my realm of influence, and I'm pretty sure she's taken anyway.

Personal life? I don't have one. I talk to my friend (yes, singular), well his wife really, on an irregularl basis. I irregularly converse with a loved one overseas (who has a wonderful man). I, well, curl up on my floor/sofa, and ignore the fact that the world is moving when I'm not looking.

Ok, yes. This is once again a complaint session about my own inadequacies. I'm hopeless in so many facets. So terribly introverted; unable to make a real and lasting relationship with anyone else. I'm truely yet to find 'someone' who just accepts me for who I am.

And yes, this makes me sad.

Yes, I talk to my mother at least once a week, we talk for more than 10 minutes on the phone. No, I don't call her, I'm a bad son.

Yes, I still talk to my sister, irregularly. I only (really) have one left. Yes, it hurts to say that statement (sorry step sister and brother).

I miss my dad, and he's still alive. he's like me, personally isolated, as unable to 'make the first contact' as I am.

Yes, I'm a shrink's field day of personal issues and neuroses.

Do I still love my Amanda's (plural, yes). Yes. I still do. Do I think that will ever change? No, no I do not. Do I think that love will be returned? No, no I don't think it will, not in the manner of which I want/need.

Need. Yeah, I need. Just a whole lot less that most people.

Ok, 28 minutes writing this crap is more than enough. Time for me to open that second bottle, and to pee.

Love you all. Yes all of you. Yes, I know who you are. I miss you all. moo.. :)

Once again, here I am, late at night (ok, not that late, but it may as well be), and somewhat intoxicated.

Yay.

So here I am once again, at night, may as well be going to sleep, typing away doing odd thigns on my journal. "I never go tmy peanuts" .. West Wing S01E01 going in the background there.. Anyway.

One green bottle. No green bottles really, but still, it's appropriate. It's amazing really the actors and actresses that show up in american TV series. In this case Lisa Edelstein (who shows up in 10 episodes of West Wing, and basically all episodes of House) shows up as a call girl, young and beautiful. Still beautiful in later episodes of House, but still.

Once again, eyes closed, typing randomly. Just letting my mind float away and spit out whatever my fingers decide to let loose.

Back to it again, yes? Ok. Head floating. Always a fun experience. ".. and I don't think there should be instant replay in football, but it's not my call .." go Leo.


Where was I? That's right, the usual feeling sorry for myself. Was thinking once again that I should get off my arse and try get into a real relationship again, but I don't think that's really going to be happening any time soon. I'm not really looking and have no real interest in anyone (apart from the new Tracey from work) at this tage, and definately no real drive to get myself in trouble anytime soon.

"I agree with Josh and I agree with CJ and I agree with Sam, and you know how that makes me crazy". Yeah, go Toby.

So, Amanda tried contacting me again yesterday. I didn't respond, this time. I don't want that hurt again. Not again. The pain is really just too much. I love people. I really do. But really, why does it have to hurt so much. I have fun one night, and am scarred by it (sorry Em). I try starting something new that I think will last, and end up in pain.

No, this pain wont last. Well, not more than a few years at least. No, pain and such haunting don't last for ever. They just last long enough. Long enough is a hell of a long time in my head unfortunately (sorry Kylie).

Two ghosts will forever haunt me I fear; two ghosts that were never able to be. .. Ok, I'm leaving that one there, tears already pouring out of my eyes.

"Listen, I'm under arrest, I'm going to have to call you back Bruce" .. ;P Go Mandy.

Ok, I'm going to sign off for now. Don't really have a train of thought to follow.

Sore ja.

1 year down, countless more to go.


Definately a time to get drunk.

So. Who want's to come for a drive with me on the weekend?

Got back from a random-ride today, pulling into my street when I see this numberplate:

BJDXXX

I get the feeling it doesn't mean the same to the driver as it would to most people here.. ;)